Join me as I compassionately, playfully, and vulnerably share my experiences and insights as an empath creative with depression & anxiety, and the ways I’ve found to build a wholehearted, content, loving, and healing life amidst chaos.
Explore musings demystifying spirituality, ways of reconciling the dualistic nature of existence, sneaky self-care ideas, and metaphorical life-lessons from dogs. Despite my flaws, mental illness, and the fact that all of civilization sort of feels like it’s falling apart, I’ve built a delightful inner self in a world of chaos. And I’m not special—that’s what’s so beautiful.
Subtle Happiness III: Ordinary Sounds {Repost
I’ve created lists of ordinary sights, sounds, experiences etc. that simply bring me joy. They remind to stay present and mindful of the moment. I experience so many simple things on a regular basis that make me genuinely happy, if I just slow down enough to notice.
Subtle Happiness II: Ordinary Sights {Repost
While attempting to appreciate the effortless beauty surrounding me daily, (and my weirdo love of making lists), I’ve created lists of ordinary sights, sounds, experiences etc. that simply bring me joy. They remind to stay present and mindful of the moment. I experience so many simple things on a regular basis that make me genuinely happy, if I just slow down enough to notice.
Why I like potholes
We need to be gently jostled by life to remind us how we are immensely interconnected. Being drawn into the present moment offers respite from the looping narratives of our minds. My approach is likely uncommon, but I’ve always viewed driving as a collaborative sport. Because–holy shit–how can it not be? We’re all a bunch of idiot-humans easily distracted with thoughts and emotions operating driving-machines at high speeds with varying degrees of competency in shared space–doesn’t working together feel obvious?
Discovering subtle happiness (by living in the moment). {Repost
Despite my anxiety, I was lost in the joy of the picturesque simplicity of water, sunshine, and my darling dog. I listened to the leaves rustle and the soft trickle of the river. I couldn’t help but smile as my dog happily frolicked down the trail. I found myself wishing I could find these serene moments more often…
Why I wake up early some Saturdays (let’s get uncomfortable). {Repost
My first clinic escort shift was almost a year ago, the Saturday morning after Kavenaugh’s supreme court confirmation. And I can certainly assure you, that morning I had no reservations about ignoring insults and fake science from obnoxious angry old white men. Because I was pretty fucking tired of men not believing women, men thinking we are their fucking property, and men incessantly working to exert control our bodies.
I was in a car wreck and realized I’m (fascinatingly) different now.
I was 34. I almost died. And I had nothing to show for it, except this weird haunting lingering sensation of–you almost died. And, are you doing this–humaning, life, existing right? How close do we come to death at any moment, and not even know? It’s for the best that we don’t know. We don’t need extra anxiety about the ultimately unknowable unfolding of time…
Sorry, humans I love, for being a flake. (Life with high-functioning depression) {Repost
It doesn’t have anything to do with the company–the company I keep is delightful, and a joy to see. The truth is—in those moment I don’t want to exist. I don’t want to be around me, therefore I isolate because I don’t want people I care about to have to endure my presence. I’d rather be a flake than an obligation or hindrance. But then a shame wells up in me for being flakey…
The internal dilemma of managing expectations. {Repost
The asshole-voice-in-my-head telling me ‘I’m an inevitable failure’ is drown more quickly by the my own intervention and redirection of my thoughts and focus, but there’s always an internal struggle. With any form of rejection, we are left reconciling our disappoint and grief with the idea we still have innate value and worthiness, even if it isn’t appreciated or celebrated in that circumstance…
Pain’s Life Lesson: The only way is through.
The only power I had was the ability to make things worse for myself. This was a message from my body. And for once, I actually listened. My human body was expressing to me— “No. Nope. No. Carly. Listen. NO. I love you, you beautiful sweet thing. But no. Not today. You are human. You are made of nature…
Apparently I’m unsure of my sexual orientation. {Repost
I think I’m bisexual. I know what you’re likely asking, and yes, a person should probably know that, right? Sexual orientation generally isn’t vague. It’s something you intrinsically know about yourself, but I don’t really know, at least not from full on experience. I can tell you what I do know. I’ve been attracted to women. I’ve been attracted to men. I’ve dated men. I’ve slept with men. I’ve married (and divorced) a man. My current partner is a man…
Hope on a Technicality (Allowing hope despite my lack of Constitutional Equality)
And to the Supreme Court, oh, you sweet self-righteous beautiful dummies. I’m grateful for your blatant act of oppression and dehumanization. Thank you, for making publicly clear the underlying truth many of us knew-you fear women, and this desperation is a death rattle of the patriarchy. We have far more allies now than we did 1973–across religions, gender, and race. You’ve galvanized and awoken the beast of ‘others’ you’ve always feared–people of color, LGBTQ+, women–and we’ve already had to learn to overcome oppression without violence…
The things I didn't say because I didn't want be murdered. {Repost
"Hey Girl! You need a bodyguard."
Fucking cool. What woman doesn't love an unfamiliar man yelling passive aggressive cat calls while out alone at night? This yell is clearly directed at me, but I ignore the comment and inconspicuously check my surroundings. Noting the 5-7 men standing near the train platform on my side of the guardrail, dressed in dark but otherwise nondescript clothing. No one else is nearby for at least a block in any direction.
"You're too sexy to be out here alone like this…"
Bath-time Rebellion & the Subtle Oppression of Self-care Consumerism
The trick is approaching self care as any intentional act of self nurturing. You have to be actively engaged and present, in fact–you are the only consistent requirement for your self-care. Everything else is fluff. Fun fluff. Pretty fluff. Or pretentious overly priced fluff. But it’s all superfluous.
My non-human parenting struggles w/ separation anxiety. {Repost
I wasn’t even fully unpacked when my landlord texted that my dog was barking all the time. She’d bark incessantly for hours. Hours. If this situation wasn’t resolved, I’d be evicted. So–there I was, after struggling to finally find a good place, about to dive back into the seemingly impossible task of finding another apartment. Although, before it came to that, I was given the chance to get Miss Doctora’s separation anxiety under control…
Spiritual Faith & Atheism (psst…the secret ingredient is love)
I have faith that I’m capable of handling whatever unfolds in my life. This sense of faith is relatively new to me. Having lived with general anxiety and major depression for nearly two decades, as appealing as the concept sounded, I didn’t know how to just be mentally in the present moment. It was unimaginable. So, I was stuck in a loop of self-awareness logically knowing it’s a complete waste of mental and emotional energy.
‘The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.’ (Inner calm in challenging times)
This very calm and genuine response, as my partner informs me about the leaked Supreme Court documents’ intention to overthrow Roe vs Wade is quite surprising to both of us. He knows my history with depression and anxiety, and knows that it’s helpful to ease me into heavy news because it can spiral me into some pretty dark places. “It’s just so frustrating. People don’t understand! This won’t stop abortion, it just makes them less safe. Women will die because of this! They don’t know what why are doing,” He adds.